i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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