Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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