her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
