Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
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I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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