DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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