I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
3pm strippers are depressing
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
