The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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