Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
