I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
