I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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