omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He passed out mid-signature
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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