you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
