I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
did you just send me my own nude
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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