A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
