Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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