Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
