I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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