How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
