just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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