You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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