shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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