just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
This is my gift to your gina
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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