Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
