so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
