I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
