Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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