Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
