when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
