Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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