oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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