Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
