some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
