Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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