filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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