I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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