and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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