You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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