note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
