Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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