okay pat passed out under dana's car
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
