I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
