I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
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Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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