I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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