Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
