Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
