Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
