"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
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I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
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Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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