the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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