Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
