he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
