You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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