also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We talked him into tasing himself.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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