im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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