She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
