saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
