M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
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It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
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Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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