A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
